Why did I agree to marry you JP???

WARNING: This entry is rated COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. It will reveal how much of a dork I am and that I'm just as insane if not more than my fiance. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK...then judge me mercilessly in the comments section. You have been warned...

Don't worry, the issue at hand isn't nearly as serious (or serious at all really) as the title of this post makes it sound. Life in apartment 224 is generally pretty tame, that is when we're not battling kitchen phantoms, vacationing at Disney World, trying to adopt a cat, or having other various adventures (I have started blog posts about most of these things...I just lack enough inspiration to actually publish them). Most evenings JP and I have some dinner, think about doing productive things like cleaning our apartment, and then end up deciding to watch TV mindlessly for five and a half hours. While we do have a number of shows that we like to enjoy together, JP has some interesting tastes in television which I will go into in a later blog post.

Tonight after catching up on our new favorite show, The Good Guys (if you haven't watched it... WATCH IT NOW!!! Its hilarious!), JP decides its a good idea to put on the second half of a History channel documentary on the war of 1812. I actually DO like the history channel, but the war of 1812 is probably the lamest war EVER and the actors were really bad and the maps were all very confusing so I quickly tuned out of 1812 land and decided to write a blog post. Generally when I decide to write, it turns out badly and I end up mindlessly chatting with people on Gchat...tonight it was Joe Berger.

Before I go any further you all should know something about Joe Berger (who will CONTINUE to be referred to as Joe Berger...not Joe, not Joey, not Mr. Bergermeister) is that he's an instigator of the crazy. When the conversation gets weird, as it inevitably will, Joe looks at it goes "I Can Do Better" and ultimately decides to make things even stranger, more ridiculous, and more F***ed up. He is an instigator...in the worst sense of the word. Usually, he is the reason why JP's weirder ideas become reality because I think secretly he likes to just make things more crazy and chaotic for his own amusement. He is truly an evil genius...and I love it. EVERY MINUTE OF IT! You should all know this going forward; any story that Joe Berger is introduced into is sure to become eight times more insane than it was at the beginning.

So Joe Berger and I were discussing how he might come and crash in our apartment tomorrow night as he works in DC and lives in Baltimore and had some sort of mysterious rendezvous that would require him to stay overnight in the city. The conversation inevitably needed a subject change and so I looked around the living room for a conversation starter. The only remotely interesting thing I saw (again let me assert that the War of 1812 is NOT interesting...even if one of the historians talking about it had the most bitchin sideburns I've EVER seen) was the book I'm currently reading, Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. While this book is a perennial favorite of mine, whenever I read it I'm always scared of the damn Ringwraith's that chase the poor hobbits around Middle Earth. They just live to chase poor defenseless creatures and muderize them in dark places...and as a mostly defenseless creature, THEY TERRIFY ME. For those of you unfamiliar with Lord of the Rings, the Ringwraiths are like Dementors from Harry Potter...only creepier because they were men at one point and now are totally ruined, messed up human ghost things that can't be killed that will stab you dead with very long swords or beat you senseless with giant metal swinging hammer like devices. If you've read neither of these books... go kill yourself??? seriously have you been living under a rock for the last decade? You're telling me you haven't even seen the movies???? Ughhhh COME ON AND WORK WITH ME HERE!

Rant about fantasy literature OVER!

Ringwraith's = terrifying, non-real creatures that will probably still rape and kill defenseless creatures like me.

So in my feeble attempts to steer my strange conversation with Joe in a different non-weird direction, I started this conversation:

me: you know who sucks

f****** Ringwraiths

Joe: ugh

me: YES i'm reading Lord of the Rings

Joe: i hate them

me: and good lord those things are total bitches!

Joe: i want one

me: what???

like to keep on a leash???!!?

Joe: i will send him after you

me: dammit!!! why would you do that??

Joe: sorry

can't help myself

It is at this point I start to get concerned; never mind that this is in no way REAL, never mind that Joe lives in Baltimore and has no access to fantastical beings, never mind that in reality Joe's bark is worse than his bite and probably wouldn't do this even if Ringwraiths were real, I suddenly was convinced that I needed protecting!! So who do I turn to...my big strong fiance of course!! Surely he will protect me from all manner of Ringwraiths and other dark black hooded beings that are neither living nor dead? One would at least expect that telling someone you'll marry them and spend the rest of your life with them, would result in some form of protection from the undead...unfortunately I was mistaken. When I told JP that Joe was planning on assulting me with the Morgul Lords, he made a noise that suggested a.) he wasn't surprised by this, b.) it wasn't a big deal, and c.) he didn't really care if a dark creature from Mordor struck me down with his death sword. So I point blank asked him, "Would you or would you not defend me from Joe Berger's pet Ringwraith?" He replied, "No absolutely not" and calmly went back to watching the mutton-chopped historian talk about Andrew Jackson and the Battle of New Orleans. When I continued to pester him about defending me from Orcs, Werewolves, Vampires, and Billy Ray Cyrus he also said NO!!!! As if protecting me was a huge nuisance and distracting him from his otherwise enthralling documentary.

What IS THIS PEOPLE???? I agreed to get married for many reasons...one of which was protection from FRIGGIN MYTHICAL CREATURES THAT ARE OUT TO KILL ME AND STEAL MY SOUL!!!!!! And now I don't even get that! I feel seriously cheated here. I feel like I'm not asking much here other than for JP to stand in between me and Joe Berger's evil plot to destroy me with imaginary creatures. I thought that possibly JP would change his mind if I left him alone to watch other weird ass television...I can honestly report now that he's watched a fishing show, a French movie, the Tour de France, anime, horse racing, a creepy lady explain how to jump over fences on horses and now some weird show about a dress store in New Jersey on Oxygen and he STILL refuses to defend me.

I'm going to go hide in the closet now...how will I ever survive living with a boy who won't even defend my soul from being sucked out?????

Note to the Audience: I just re-read this and am fully aware that I've lost my mind. Hopefully my next post makes more sense...it probably won't though. I will judge you if you stop following me after reading this!!!!!!