Man Gripes: Catholicism gone Wild

So its Monday night, I've just gone grocery shopping and I either need to

a.) do my stats homework (which consists of a measly 3 problems)

b.) laundry (as I only have maybe 3 more clean pairs of underoos)

c.) vacuum

d.) update my calendar

INSTEAD I'M GOING TO BLOG AND THEN WATCH X-FILES!!!!!

Really I found this picture and it gave me some inspiration to write a Man Gripes blog I've had floating around my head for a while. So without further nonsense I present for your entertainment:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO CATHOLIC WHEN...YOU MAKE YOUR CAT FOLLOW CHURCH TEACHINGS!!!

So on Ash Wednesday this year I came back from class to find a weirdly sweaty pacing man in my living room. Don't worry...it was JP, but he'd been FASTING all day in order to properly observe Catholic teachings. I could write a whole OTHER Man Gripes blog about the weird contradictions and general strangeness that is JP's system of beliefs, but I won't...tonight.

Anyways, he looked like a huge crazed wreck like he usually does when he attempts to fast. He was hunched over, pacing and muttering to himself in the living room when I got home and frankly I was a little unsettled. Clearly, I tried to get him to eat (something modest... I know the rules of fasting in the Catholic Church call for one small meal on fasting days) as I was sure he hadn't eaten anything all day long and probably was going to pass out. As he was munching on some sort of small snack-meal, we discussed our days like you do when you live with a boy.

It was at this point that the cat came in and started meowing like he normally does because he's an attention whore.The strange part was that JP completely LOST it and started yelling some craziness about how Dean needed to stop being mad at him because it wasn't his fault the church makes us fast. Slowly, I put two and two together. The cat is yelling at us as if he's hungry...JP claims the cat is mad at him...there's zero leftover food in the cat bowl. I cut JP off mid rant,

Me: JP...did you feed the cat tonight?!!???

JP: Ummm that depends on your definition of "feed"

Me: ARE YOU FORCING OUR CAT TO FAST WITH YOU???

JP: No no no, of course not. That would be ridiculous!

Me: So why is he yowling like a demon...a demon that hasn't been fed?

JP: Well, I fed him less...otherwise there wouldn't be enough for Friday.

I want to point out that we have PLENTY of cat food between my future mother-in-law loading us down with extras and Targets 30 for $10 deals. This last statement JP put out there made no sense until I examined the contents of the cat food cabinet.

There was tons of chicken fillets

tons of beef cutlets

tons of turkey and gravy dinner

and only 2 cans of generic "white" bottom feeding fish they make into cat food

Thats right everyone. Dean is not allowed to eat meat on Fridays...because he's a Catholic kitty. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried people. We'll be taking him to confession during Lent where he can tell the priest about coughing up a hairball in JP's shoe. He'll be making his first communion any day now. JP claims to have baptized him with a squirt gun. I'm marrying a crazy cat-man.

We definitely made sure to stock up on tuna cat food tonight at the grocery store to ensure the continued safety of Dean's immortal soul.

God help me,

Jill