From Hot Mess to Just Hot...

WHAT UP SECOND REGULAR BLOG POST!!!!!!!! WARNING: This post is very, VERY, EXTREMELY, self-indulgent! Either get over it...or wait until my next post!

Always nice to revisit old memes right?

So this is a new segment I'd like to introduce to my blog to chronicle the evolution of "Jill Warne, 20 Something Mess" into "Jillian L.W. Walsh, Successful, Winning, Adult". This is a project I've started and totally disregarded about seven billion times before, but its one that frankly cannot wait any longer. My transformation must begin righhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht NOW.

A close friend and I (you know who you are beezy) decided one sad day when we both seemed to be failing at pretty much every aspect of our lives that we should become and then write a book about becoming modern day trophy wives. It seemed like a GREAT IDEA at first...then it seemed like women everywhere would swoop in and take our Free & Independent Woman cards for even suggesting an idea of this nature. Soon after that, a matronly and sassy woman who resembles Oprah or Hillary Clinton would slap us in the face and say "YOU DON'T NEED TO BE WIVES TO BE TROPHIES YOU CRAZY BITCHES," then z-snap and fly off in a hover car or some other awesome technologically fancy vehicle us normal humans wouldn't have access to.

QEII would also work in this scenario...look at this expression of disdain!

So because I'd lose what little credibility I have with the ladies everywhere, I've decided to entitle this personal self-improvement project "From Hot Mess to Just Hot" wherein I will seek to metamorphosize myself into a capable adult who could plan awesome parties, raise a child, manage a team of people, maintain a healthy lifestyle, wear make-up regularly, correct someone wittily, keep a plant alive for more than 2 weeks and/or get out of bed in the morning and exude excellence.

Like this dude...Except Female!

All self-deprecating humor aside, when I turned 20 I felt like I could conquer the world with a smile and a college degree. The past six years of this decade of my life have left me feeling somewhat beaten down and discouraged. I've changed a lot (sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse) but I really need to a) believe that a self-assured and confident Jill is buried underneath the wear and tear and b) that I can resurrect her like a phoenix from the ashes. Frankly, if I'm about to add a permanent partner to my life I feel like I should at least have all of my life-components working smoothly! In the end, its not about changing myself but about getting rid of all the clutter and exposing the awesome person I am to the world again (cheesy I know...I don't know why you're complaining though. YOU chose to read this drivel!).

So here are the goals...its always good to have goals right? They will change...and you will get to watch them change assuming I keep updating this blog!

• For the Body: drop more weight, cook more food, visit the gym more often
• For the Habitat: clean regularly, decorate/add personal touches, get a plant
• For the Mind: find a new job, finish grad school, set actual career goals, READ
• For the Youthful Glow: remember how to use make-up, actually take care of my hair, skin care, wardrobe
• For the Soul: volunteer or just use spare time doing other things than watching Netflix

Will I actually follow through with any of these? You'll just have to tune in next week...same bat time...same bat channel.

Man Gripes: Catholicism gone Wild

So its Monday night, I've just gone grocery shopping and I either need to

a.) do my stats homework (which consists of a measly 3 problems)

b.) laundry (as I only have maybe 3 more clean pairs of underoos)

c.) vacuum

d.) update my calendar

INSTEAD I'M GOING TO BLOG AND THEN WATCH X-FILES!!!!!

Really I found this picture and it gave me some inspiration to write a Man Gripes blog I've had floating around my head for a while. So without further nonsense I present for your entertainment:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO CATHOLIC WHEN...YOU MAKE YOUR CAT FOLLOW CHURCH TEACHINGS!!!

So on Ash Wednesday this year I came back from class to find a weirdly sweaty pacing man in my living room. Don't worry...it was JP, but he'd been FASTING all day in order to properly observe Catholic teachings. I could write a whole OTHER Man Gripes blog about the weird contradictions and general strangeness that is JP's system of beliefs, but I won't...tonight.

Anyways, he looked like a huge crazed wreck like he usually does when he attempts to fast. He was hunched over, pacing and muttering to himself in the living room when I got home and frankly I was a little unsettled. Clearly, I tried to get him to eat (something modest... I know the rules of fasting in the Catholic Church call for one small meal on fasting days) as I was sure he hadn't eaten anything all day long and probably was going to pass out. As he was munching on some sort of small snack-meal, we discussed our days like you do when you live with a boy.

It was at this point that the cat came in and started meowing like he normally does because he's an attention whore.The strange part was that JP completely LOST it and started yelling some craziness about how Dean needed to stop being mad at him because it wasn't his fault the church makes us fast. Slowly, I put two and two together. The cat is yelling at us as if he's hungry...JP claims the cat is mad at him...there's zero leftover food in the cat bowl. I cut JP off mid rant,

Me: JP...did you feed the cat tonight?!!???

JP: Ummm that depends on your definition of "feed"

Me: ARE YOU FORCING OUR CAT TO FAST WITH YOU???

JP: No no no, of course not. That would be ridiculous!

Me: So why is he yowling like a demon...a demon that hasn't been fed?

JP: Well, I fed him less...otherwise there wouldn't be enough for Friday.

I want to point out that we have PLENTY of cat food between my future mother-in-law loading us down with extras and Targets 30 for $10 deals. This last statement JP put out there made no sense until I examined the contents of the cat food cabinet.

There was tons of chicken fillets

tons of beef cutlets

tons of turkey and gravy dinner

and only 2 cans of generic "white" bottom feeding fish they make into cat food

Thats right everyone. Dean is not allowed to eat meat on Fridays...because he's a Catholic kitty. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried people. We'll be taking him to confession during Lent where he can tell the priest about coughing up a hairball in JP's shoe. He'll be making his first communion any day now. JP claims to have baptized him with a squirt gun. I'm marrying a crazy cat-man.

We definitely made sure to stock up on tuna cat food tonight at the grocery store to ensure the continued safety of Dean's immortal soul.

God help me,

Jill